Letting out the upset

Somehow, I totally don’t understand people. Seriously, not. To be specified, a friend. Or should I say stranger now? Never mind. But I totally upset on what he actually did to me. Yeah, he WAS a friend of mine. I don’t know the fact that he had a crush on me since form 1 (that time, budak-budak lagi kot… lol). Seriously, I don’t have any idea.. until last year, a friend of mine told me this story; yada, yada, yadaaa.. and what-so-ever. Thus, I decided just to keep that story and don’t want to react on it, since he already has one special someone which is also my FRIEND, plussssssssssss I don’t have feeling towards him at all. So, why should I care?

Even though at that time I’m still single, but I’m not the type that want to grab any men and have a lovey dovey thingy just for the sake of the loneliness. Nope, I’m not that kind of person. Love is something that can’t be forced. It is the master key that  opens the gates of happiness. And I valued that. Plus, I’m considering his girlfriend. You know, it’s not nice to steal other boyfriend or be bitchy on her. Karma, babes.. karma. Please, don’t.

So, I stick on my previous decision. Keep silence. Until one day, he himself wrote an e-mail to me and confessed his feeling towards me. Yet, same response from me; nothing replied. Because I’m afraid he might be hurt if he knows the truth and I don’t know how to handle this. So, silence is the best option I guess. Alhamdulillah, I thought that was a good way to avoid him and let him has a happy life with his current girlfriend. Sweet am I? LoL~ A month passed, and I found that both of them engaged; and I was like relieved-and-happy seeing them together. Yes, I’m happy for them. Honestly. And relieved because he letting me go.

And today.. after browsing facebook and searching for some friend, I realized something. You know what, he removed me as his friend. Pfffffffffffftttttttttttt!!! Okay, on positive side.. I know he is trying to forget me and want to continue his life. But, it’s not fair you know. I’m like a victim in this situation, and suddenly he put all the blame on me. deng! Yes, I can say that I don’t care if he removed me from his friend list; since i have another 800++ friends in the list. But!! You know, I valued each of my friend. All of them. Quite sakit hati. Tapi, dah orang tak nak kawan.. xpelah! Like I care, kan? (but, I do.. )

-nuna-

Jatuh

sakit! ouch~

Hidung saya dah mula lari-lari. T_T oh, cuaca~ Sikit lagi, dan cuba bertahan!

-nuna-

Depressed [recover version]

Okeh, saya mengaku saya rasa ego saya tinggi gila. Kalau perasan, semalam atau kelmarin saya ada buat satu entri ‘depressed’. Sebab tak nak tunjuk dekat orang saya ni di dalam kondisi di bawah tekanan sejuta paranormal, saya buang entri tersebut. Jadi, biar orang fikir saya normal. Happy konon-kononnya. Tapi, kesannya saya rasa macam dah nak meletup bagai. Saya rasa tak reti sangat-sangat macam mana nk komunikasi dengan orang. Macam manusia normal lain berkomunikasi. Saya rasa saya sangat keras. Kaku. Dingin.

Shit happened. Mat-mat saleh selalu cakap macam tu. Yes, it it. Saya tak boleh predict semua-semua plan saya senang-senang nak success, smooth macam tu. Tak boleh!! You see, now?? Deng!

I hate to admit it. Saya benci kondisi saya sekarang ini. Cukup. I’m capable of doing nothing. pffft!! Seriously, I’m not in a good condition. Sekarang adalah sangat-sangat low self-esteem. *big sigh*

You know, I suck a lot and stuck in a middle of the journey. I don’t know, what this little head was thinking. It’s not synchronized with my own desires and plans. Whenever I started typing this and that.. both of my hand stopped. Mrs. mind asked them to stop working. Because there is no idea coming out.  Totally, zero. A big ’0′. Seriously, I felt like crying.. and I did. A few time, alone in the office.

But, I said; wake up!! You guys have no time to play around. We should make it by the due. And I know, they were not playing around. They tried their best. Perhaps by  deactivated my facebook account will help to increase the productivity and there is an outcome. But, I still got no idea to write on the chapters. pffftttttttttttt!! What’s wrong with this little brain?? T_T

Hey little brain, I still remember how you guys enjoying those technical thingies, the formulas, the parameters and all. Now, where all the interest gone? You guys should find one. I mean the courage to write the chapters with fun. Not like this. Crying all along. Duh!!!

Helpppp!!!! Onegaiiiii~ T_T

-nuna-

1990′s sweet memory

What would you do if, your high school crush come back in your life and to make thing worse, his mom said she likes you and want you to become her son’s bride? Perhaps it was written in your diary back then in 1990′s, you madly want him to become your future husband. No matter what, a big pull stop.

Talking about that crush, yeah.. of course he’s handsome, a good-looking one with a good attitude. Someone that you are always dreamed to live with. To make him yours. When you rode a bus together on the way back, you always looked at him from far away, didn’t have any courage to approach. Afraid of being rejected. He was just a perfect guy to be dreamed of. Enough said.

Nahhhh, kiddies thing. You might been thinking like that. But when it comes to serious  issue, where his mom starts coming to your house and having a little conversation with your parents, then what would you do? Plus, right now you already have a commitment with someone special that you promised to give your heart to. Do you have any guts to say this kind of matter is a kiddies thingy?

Shall we open up this challenge? I bet you!! lols~:P

-nuna-

have been awhile since the babbling episode!!

Lama tak muncul rasa mahu tulis panjang jela-jela. Baru saja godek-godek dua buah (?) blog lama yang sudah ditutup. Bila baca balik semua entri-entri dulu, rasa mahu gelak pun ada.

Blog pertama; masa tu baru mula bertatih-tatih menulis blog di account Friendster. Tahun 2006 kalau tak silap. Susunan ayat pun agak tunggang terbalik dan tidak berapa nak dewasa sangat. Banyak juga menggunakan short form dan ejaan yang agak menyampah bila dibaca balik. Contoh ejaannya; “mcm itu lew~” -> “macam itu lah”. Oh, memang agak geli juga bila umur-umur begini baca balik hasil tulisan sendiri yang mengunakan short form yang sebegitu rupa. Tsk!

Daripada blog pertama ini, saya dapat menganalisa balik corak pertumbuhan. Diri waktu itu sangat gembira dengan hidup. Jarang ada mengeluh di sini sana. Entri-entri yang tercatat juga berbunyi gembira.

Blog kedua; Saya mula beralih arah daripada blog di friendster kepada blogspot.com. Ini semua gara-gara pengaruh daripada kak sue. Tambahan pula pada waktu itu features di blogspot macam lebih menarik daripada blog di Friendster. Jadi saya putuskan untuk menutup blog di Friendster dan menulis di blogspot.

Sebenarnya, blog kedua saya ini adalah tempat saya meluah rasa, berkongsi bicara, info dan minat. Lain sedikit daripada wordpress ini. Sebelumnya, saya lebih terbuka, seronok bercerita itu dan ini. Tapi kini segalanya sudah lain. Berubah selepas satu tragedi.

Disebabkan itulah saya mengambil keputusan untuk menutup blog kedua saya yang banyak tercoret segala kenangan hidup. Suka duka perjalanan hidup yang membentuk saya kini. Sebenarnya sayang mahu delete semua entri yang pernah terhasil di blog itu. Jadi, saya tukar address blog tersebut dan set kepada privacy. Jadi hanya saya seorang yang boleh view entri-entri disitu.

Akhir sekali saya menapak di dada wordpress. Kamu tahu, pernah juga muncul rasa mahu padam account wordpress dan lupakan semua-semua. Tapi, saya tidak mampu. Ini macam soul saya juga. Cuma, biasalah. Kadang-kadang hilang lust to write something here. Masih, saya mahu teruskan. Manalah tahu, suatu masa nanti sel-sel di dalam kepala saya mula lupa satu-satu memori yang pernah tercatat.  Untung sabut saya masih ada ini.

Oh, maaflah. Malam ini mood saya mahu membebel berjela-jela tiba-tiba muncul.

Kamu tahu, waktu saya tengah belek satu per satu entri lama dulu-dulu, saya mula sedar sesuatu. Banyak juga kenangan dan memori yang hampir saya lupuskan daripada ingatan. Saya tahu, semua itu disebabkan oleh sebahagian daripada sel-sel di dalam kepala mahu lupakan kisah dulu. Ok, I shall stop writing about hatred.

Tapi, itulah. Diri sekarang lain sedikit daripada dulu. Lebih kuat, tidak mudah menangis, dan matang. Cuma pelik juga. Bila saya mahu menulis ala-ala happy sedikit, rasa bersalah mula muncul. Kononnya saya tidak layak untuk hasilkan tulisan sebegitu. Oleh itu, terhasil lah hasil tulisan yang sebegini rupa. Yang agak serius, dan kadang-kadang cynic juga.

Penyakit psychology kah? Help!

-nuna-